


The Banana Treatment

by salixbabylon



Category: Real Person Fiction, The Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Humor, Kink, M/M, PWP, toy use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-16
Updated: 2004-08-16
Packaged: 2019-09-05 07:20:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16806046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salixbabylon/pseuds/salixbabylon
Summary: Orlando hurt his back again.  Someone gave him bananas and then Viggo came over to help.





	The Banana Treatment

**Author's Note:**

> This one is for Lostiawen, who has been recovering from a back injury. I hope the Mortensen Treatment helps!

"FUCK!" Orland said, stretching his arm out to try and reach his ringing cell phone. "Bloody cunting shit!" he said into the phone as he answered it.

Viggo's laughter on the other end pissed him off even more.

"I"m glad I'm fucking amusing you, you twat," he grumbled.

Viggo repressed a chuckle. "I heard from John that your back seized up and they sent you home. I'm guessing you won't take your pain pills."

"Stupid fucking pills. I hate them."

"You took a hot shower in the trailer; that didn't help either?"

"What the fuck man, are you psychic or stalking me?"

"Neither; there wasn't any hot water when I showered. It's just the two of us in the Cunt these days, so..." Orlando could practically hear Viggo shrug.

"So what have you tried, other than a hot shower, no medication, and a lot of swearing?"

"Fuck you, Viggo," Orlando replied, but he smiled. "John drove me home and gave me a bunch of bananas from the canteen. He said they help stop muscle spasms or something mad like that. So I'm at home, I'm lying on the floor on my back, can't fucking move, eating bananas. And have been for..." He glanced at the clock on his cell phone, since he couldn't see any other time piece, "Holy fuck! Two hours. No wonder I'm bored out of my bloody mind!"

"Lying on your back, with only bananas to entertain you?" Viggo purred. "I've got a banana for you, little boy."

"You've a dirty mind, Viggo, have I told you that before, you great perv? I'm fucking injured and all you can think about is sex?"

"Well, I do know how to cure boredom," he answered. "I'll be over in a few."

"Right then," Orlando said, "but you're not getting laid tonight. I can't fucking move."

"Oh, the possibilities..." Viggo rumbled in his most seductive voice. "An immobile elf. I'll be right there," and rang off.

Orlando disconnected and put the phone down. He picked up a banana. Fucking Viggo, with his fucking voice that always turned him on and fuck! He couldn't fucking move, he was already half-hard, Viggo was coming over to "entertain" him, and damn it, he wished he could move. They hadn't had a chance to get together in about five days, the longest they'd been apart since they'd started sleeping together. It was just a friendly arrangement, no strings, but holy hell the sex was phenomenal.

He felt like a beetle stuck on its back. With bananas. And an erection.

Orlando planted his feet on the floor and reached down to adjust himself. He hated that he always got so easily worked up. Viggo seemed quite flattered of course, and Orlando really couldn't help it; the man was just dead sexy when he wasn't totally off his nut. What could he do to get Viggo as worked up as he was?

He lifted his hips up a tiny bit, thinking he'd pull off his track pants. He yelped as his back spasmed.

A few moments of deep breathing took place while he tried not to let his feelings of fury and helplessness add to the tension in his body. OK. No stripping then. Which was too bad, since Viggo seemed to quite like the sight of him naked.

Bollocks.

That left... the bananas. He'd eaten three and there were two left. He broke one off of the bunch and considered the possibilities.

He could use his mouth on it, but that wasn't too creative. Bananas were too squashy to use as sex toys... Unless maybe he left the peel on... And smoothed out the bottom end... Did banana skin have any chemicals on it that would hurt? He could cover it with a condom, he supposed.

Reality check -- he couldn't reach a condom or lube from here, and if he couldn't get his pants off without a spasm, there was no way in the world he could get a banana up his arse to fuck himself with it.

So much for that idea.

While he was thinking, his non-banana holding hand stroked over his chest, teasing his nipples, dipping into his bellybutton, roaming down over his now fully-hard cock to gently stroke his balls. Often, being stuck on his back made him think of other times he'd been on his back, and a quick wank was good for muscle relaxation and the endorphins made the pain less pressing for a while.

Clean-up was a bitch, though.

Good thing Viggo was coming over to help. He grinned.

*****

A short while later, Orlando heard Viggo open the unlocked front door, announcing himself with a trademark thud of two shoes falling on the tile entryway followed by the sound of bare feet padding into the living room.

Orlando shifted his clothes so his erection wouldn't be immediately visible. "Entertain me!" he cried with a huge grin.

Viggo smiled back and sat down next to him on the floor. "I brought you a couple of movies and books."

Orlando stuck out his tongue. "I can't turn my head to see the telly and holding books up above my face gets tiresome after a while. And you're here anyway - I don't want to just lie here and read; I could do that by myself."

Viggo rolled his eyes. "Fine, Elf. Close your eyes, pretend you're in Elrond's Hall of Fire, and I'll read to you."

"What, no singing?" Orlando teased.

Viggo made as if to thwap him with the book, but stopped before Orlando flinched with more than his arms. "No singing. But for that, I'm going to torture you with poetry instead of reading something funny."

Viggo read poems to him from a yellow book for a while. Orlando stretched occasionally, but mostly let the words wash over him, feeling his muscles relax deeply. After a while, one stanza caught his attention:  
_"I liked looking at you in the light;_  
your large hands, the small cave of your navel,  
both of us slick with sweat like water mammals,  
our hair wet at the roots. You talked to me  
as we made love, unhurried..."  


He waited patiently as Viggo finished the poem, the deep scratchy voice making blood surge back to his groin, reminding him of his previous plans to somehow seduce Viggo. While he was immobile. What a joke. Orlando groaned in frustration

Viggo paused. Orlando's eyes were shut, face a bit flushed, and the crotch of his track pants was betrayingly distended. Viggo placed his free hand on Orlando's bent knee and stroked down his thigh. "Is the poetry exciting you?" he asked, smiling.

Orlando stuck out his tongue without opening his eyes. "Fuck off, you. Can't help it. You're reading me sexy poems, I'm stuck on my back, and it's been too many days since we fucked. I'm frustrated on so many levels I can't even list them."

"Maybe you should try to release some tension," Viggo suggested.

Orlando opened his eyes and stared at him for a few breaths. "You want me to wank while you read me poetry?"

Viggo shrugged. "If it would relax you. I'm surprised you haven't already, frankly."

"Smug bastard," Orlando said, swatting at him. "Sadistic prick. Coming over here, getting me all worked up when you know I can't do anything about it. All I've been thinking about for the last two days is fucking you into next week. Or you fucking me. And then I had to go mess up my bloody stupid back again. Fuck!"

Viggo gave him a sympathetic look and scanned the room for a distraction from Orlando's frustration. "Here, have a banana," he said with a leer.

Orlando glared for a moment, then took the banana and started to peel it. Viggo flipped through the pages looking for another poem to read. Orlando brought the banana to his mouth and slid it against his lips. He took the end into his mouth and gently closed his lips around it.

Viggo's eyes flickered to him and then back to the book.

He slid the banana further into his mouth, pressing his tongue against it, even though Viggo couldn't see that. It wasn't anywhere near as fun as sucking a nice hard cock, of course, but still... There was something to be said for it. Minus the decidedly unsexy banana taste. Orlando let out a very fake breathless moan as he slowly eased the fruit out of his mouth before sucking it back down quickly. Christ, I must be really hard up, he thought, noticing the throb of his erection.

"You're giving me ideas, Elfboy," Viggo warned, putting the book down.

"I had ideas about places a banana could go, earlier," Orlando leered, wigging his eyebrows suggestively, "But they were impractical without any lube, and I didn't know if banana skins had anything toxic in them."

Viggo grinned. "Be right back," he said, disappearing towards the bedroom.

He sat down a moment later, presenting Orlando with the last banana, a condom, and the bottle of lube.

"No way, old man! You're fucking off your gourd!" Orlando cried indignantly. He blushed slightly as he added the real reason: "I can't reach anyway, without making my back spasm."

Viggo gave him a predatory grin. "I'll help."

Orlando squeaked. He closed his eyes and felt Viggo's hands ease his track pants down without making him lift his hips. He was feeling a lot more relaxed than before, but still, no reason to tempt fate by moving.

At least, he intended to hold still until he felt a slight tickle of hair on his belly just before warm wetness enclosed his erection. "Jesus, Viggo!" he cried out. Viggo eased off and pushed Orlando's shirt up out of the way, briefly teasing his nipples with his tongue before kissing him.

They kissed for a few moments, tongues stroking against each other, Viggo's body close enough for the heat between them to flare. Orlando wound his arms around Viggo's neck and groaned. He brought their mouths together hungrily, biting and sucking at Viggo's lower lip, moaning as desire surged through him.

Viggo pulled back, both of them breathing audibly. "I said I was coming over to help you relax."

Orlando gasped, "I'm not feeling very relaxed at the moment," as Viggo's hand slid down his chest, over his eager erection, and cupped his bollocks.

"I'll try harder then," Viggo grinned. A moment later Viggo's mouth latched onto his cock with the vigor of a man with a challenge ahead of him.

Orlando was in Heaven. Sort of. A stationary, torturous Heaven, with a divine angel of pleasure sucking his brain out through his cock, kneading his bollocks, and probing at his arse with slippery fingers. Unable to move. Trapped.

Perhaps it was Hell.

Whatever it was, it was bloody wonderful.

Viggo's fingers teased and then slid in, pressing up, stroking him deep inside. Too soon the fingers were removed and something else nudged at his entrance. Orlando tightened up for a moment before remembering that he really didn't want to be doing that, lest his back spasm again, and relaxed. Viggo slid whatever it was in.

It was slightly narrower than Viggo's dick, the thing in his arse. And since the delicious torture of Viggo's tongue on his cock hadn't relented, it obviously wasn't Viggo.

Orlando groaned. "Bloody hell, Viggo, you're fucking me with the banana, aren't you?"

Viggo made an affirmative sort of hum around his erection, the vibration of which made Orlando whimper in pleasure.

Viggo's soft, wet mouth, the probing and stroking of the gland deep inside him, the bizarre kinkiness of it all was speeding him towards the end. "I'm going to -- fucking get you -- for this later," Orlando panted, as tension wound through his body.

Viggo pressed more firmly with his weight against Orlando's hips, as he started to shake with effort. A few more thrusts of the banana into his body, and he was coming hard. As his hips arched up in a powerful orgasm, Orlando's lower back cracked loudly, and he shouted, frozen in a moment of blinding pleasure.

Gasping for air, he fell back to the floor.

"Don't move," Viggo whispered in a ragged voice. "Lie there and relax."

A few seconds passed, while Orlando regained his breath. Viggo leaned over and kissed him gently. "All better?" he asked

Orlando's dazed hands fumbled at the front of Viggo's jeans and squeezed the hardness there. Viggo unbuttoned and shoved them down, hands tangling with Orlando's. Together, their hands moved over Viggo's throbbing erection, fingers interlacing together, and he quickly found his own release.

Orlando's fingers dabbled in the wetness, sliding over too-sensitive flesh, slipping over Viggo's hand.

Viggo looked at him, a bit stunned. "Didn't expect doing that to you would turn me on quite so much," he said with a hint of embarrassment.

Orlando chuckled, chagrined. "I'm the one who just came harder than a freight train with a banana up my arse," he said. "Think it fixed my back, though," he added after a moment. "Did you hear that great bloody cracking sound?"

"I did. Hold on," he said, pulling away as Orlando tried to get him to lie down next to him.

Viggo got up, but returned in a few minutes with a warm wet flannel and some bedding. He cleaned them both up, and then tucked a few pillows under Orlando's knees, one under his head, and covered him with a blanket. He threw down a second pillow next to him on the floor, curled up in the other blanket, and leaned over to kiss Orlando on the cheek.

"Best back treatment of my fucking life," Orlando sighed.

Viggo laughed in the dark. "I doubt my methods are approved by the chiropractic associations."

"Well, they're approved by me," Orlando answered. "The patented Mortensen Banana Fucking Treatment."

"Go to sleep, you pervy elf."

"Mmm," Orlando affirmed. He'd get Viggo back later.

~end~

\-- quotation from "At the End of Summer" by Carolyn Miller, in the 1990 anthology of _Yellow Silk,_ edited by Lily Pond and Richard Russo.  



End file.
